Day 2: Brace for Impact. Discovering That Loved Ones… Might Not Get It

Even the closest of friends can butt heads on big life topics.

Remember when you were 3, just discovering that you would grow up to be a big adult. One day, you woke up and realized you could be a big person someday, like Mom or Dad. Or better yet, you could be anything! An astronaut or a dancer or a guitar player. The opportunities felt endless. By age 8, when ballerina classes ended and your toy guitar gathered dust, you turned your attention to new interests. Perhaps that art teacher inspired you, or Pee-Wee Football gave you all your best friends. Now those were the futures you wanted. The idea stuck. Your passion drove you to pursue them. Until age 15 came; discussions of college, tech schools, and "serious" decisions overshadowed all that childhood enlightenment. People who once encouraged your "hobbies" are now playing a different tune:

"Football Players rarely make Money. You should study something serious. Like Business"

"Art School is a waste; You should also study economics just in case."

You went to college, focused on the "smart" choice. You found the degree boring, but you graduated. Got a job right away. Now you work at a desk for a company looking at finance plans and budgets. You sell… something. But it's not even remotely tangential. No Art, no sports gear. Office Supplies. You pay your bills and get a biweekly check.

You followed the advice of those who intended well. It wasn't a bad choice…But is it smart to always listen?

Take a moment here to reflect: What’s a time when someone was well-meaning but made you feel like you weren't supported in your goal? Leave your story in the comments.

This post got way longer than I meant to! If you wish to just have the “quick tip” of the day, scroll to the section How to Handle Discouraging Advice: The Stop, Start, Continue Method

Why Well-Meaning Advice Can Make You Doubt Your Goals

Generations of adults have faced doubt sparked by advice from friends, teachers, parents, bosses, chosen family, and, frankly, anyone who might care about their security. Not success. Security.

As we talked about on Day 1, people often believe something is impossible at the start of a journey, then change their minds after the journey proves successful. The psychological term is hindsight bias: once something is proven possible, the former non-believer believes it was possible all along.  This is not abnormal, and you should be mentally prepared for it to happen.

People who care about our well-being can be some of the worst to fall for this trap. After all, no one ever wants to witness the failure of someone they emotionally invest in. Failure can lead to suffering, or at a minimum, discomfort. To further stress out our loved ones, society often sells a narrative of travesty and devastation to those who dare to take a chance on a new or untraditional path, even as it rewards unconventional winners (entrepreneurs, artists, athletes, and the like).

The travesties can take many a form:

• A downgrade from a three-bedroom home to a two-bedroom apartment rental with a roommate to make a more flexible financial plan is "losing the progress you've made in life"

• Leaving a secure path to a guaranteed 20-year retirement is the easiest way to ruin your future.

• Taking a year off work to travel, caretake, or be a stay-at-home parent means you'll never have a job again.

• Stay in that relationship because "they're nice" or "dating is too hard" or "clock's ticking," even when something feels like a poor fit.

• Going back to school late in life for a new career is such a waste- the student loans!

Examples of how you can catastrophize someone's life-changing decisions are endless. But perceptions are not always reality.

It's our responsibility to separate their fear…from our own intentionality and decision-making.

How Their Expectations Can Shape Your Choices…A Personal Story

Most people have a story about someone whose good intentions led them down the wrong path, or diverted them from a desired course. Mine was more a diversion.

My father was an educator for 30 years of my life before her retired. His entire career focused on ensuring not only his students' success, but also the success of the teachers he ultimately administered as his career progressed. He was passionate about helping people expand their education. Specializing in underprivileged rural schools with minimal resources, he strove to ensure everyone under him had a brighter future. In doing so, he often preached about making "smart" choices. Now, when someone was inspired, he was good about giving them paths to follow.

With his own daughter, however, he made… let's say… much safer suggestions.

I am so fortunate to have a loving father, and I still recognize that. But sometimes love & care do blind those closest to us to what's best for us. As graduation approached, I was completely enamored with a desire to be creative in my future. A 4th-grade football game ignited an obsession with UCLA, and a book on Frank Lloyd Wright's architectural genius made me want to design buildings myself. UCLA had one of the country's best architecture programs, and I had my sights set on it. My father could not fathom how this plan would work.

Frank Lloyd Wright was famous for deeply integrating his designs with nature.

I guess the Outdoor Recreation Vibes were Always a part of my future

His uncertainty came in the form of many a speech. "Architecture is hard to get work. The military could cover you. UCLA will be expensive if you can't get a scholarship. Why not go to the Air Force Academy? Architects don't know how to build the buildings. Become a Civil Engineer so you can be a "smart" architect later. And what if you don't get into UCLA?" The conversation continued for months, turning my hopes into doubts. Was UCLA and was architecture the right choice? Could I even do it? Ultimately, I folded.

I can't say I fully regret the choice. Not entirely. That path gave me Colorado and the outdoor life I have today. It gave me some of the greatest friends and experiences of my life. But the career choice did fail. I became an engineer and absolutely enjoyed it, but over time I realized that after the military, I didn't want to do engineering. I was still starved for something creative.  

Then, quite recently, it happened again.

Last week I announced I was working on a publication for Intrepid Times, a travel outlet focused on narrative storytelling. My father said, "There are too many people in travel writing now. I don't know if you'll make much money doing that." My response 20 years later was much, much simpler.

"There are so many teachers out there. How did you actually make a living doing that?"

Perspective Matters. And there is a Resiliency Method that you can apply to prepare for moments like these and keep your perspective intact.

My Most Recent Article Draft for Intrepid Times explores a Misadventure during My Recent Tour to Germany.

No guarantees it will be published (with the editors now), but keep an eye out for future updates! Look for “Kinder Chaos at the Kino”

How to Handle Discouraging Advice: The Stop, Start, Continue Method

Sharing your hopes, dreams, goals with anyone is always going to hurt when someone doesn’t fully understand, especially when you hold their opinions in high esteem. It sucks to not feel seen. But there is a method you can put in your Action Plan to navigate difficult discussions as these. The STOP, START, CONTINUE Method. Straight out of the U.S. Military’s tactical training on resiliency, this cognitive reframe will help you navigate difficult conversations while also maintaining space and respect for your goals.

STOP: Stop that which isn’t serving your purpose

START: Look for things that do serve you

CONTINUE: Holding space for a relational foundation

Let’s say you want to sit down with your friend for coffee at the cafe near the playground. The sun is shining and you both decide to take your hot almond cappuccinos outside and enjoy the fresh autumn breeze. You can't wait to share the big news! Your family has decided to homeschool the kids for a year so you can take them on the road. She nods her head, but you can see her biting her tongue.

Then she spills her thoughts on the table like a leaking glass. She loves you, but she worries about how hard it will be and whether this is too much, or too unrealistic, now that you all have kids. She starts to share the struggles this type of life might have, based on some social media posts she’s seen: the kids will be disconnected from their friends, you and your spouse will have no privacy, and, not to mention, the vehicle expenses. You thought she’d be excited for you. She’s not.

Here’s one example applying the STOP, START, CONTINUE Method to this situation:

STOP: Stop the internal dialogue. Consider her advice, but don't accept it as gospel.

START: Start a boundary. Thank her for sharing her concerns, but be succinct: right now you are looking for someone who supports your decision with strategic advice, not condemning advice.

CONTINUE: Continue sharing with others. Find someone else in your inner circle, or a new group altogether, who understands what you are trying to achieve and may have more ways to relate to you. Also, continue to also have compassion for your friend's limits and believe that she means well.

Reflect: Remember that scenario we stopped to brainstorm earlier. How could you apply the STOP, START, CONTINUE method to that situation?

Making the Space to Find Your People

Never forget that the people who care about you are rarely bringing up their concerns or suggestions out of ill will. They want to see you succeed just as much as you want to! But our minds see the world differently, and for imaginative, creative people, it can be harder to relate. Next time you feel stuck when navigating conversations with friends who don’t understand, use the STOP START CONTINUE method.

From there, you can move forward. You don’t have to waste energy trying to make this particular loved one understand. They don't, for now, and that's ok (they are still there to catch you if you DO fall!) Instead, you have given them space to understand how important this goal is to you and the support you're seeking.

Meanwhile, staying true to your purpose and goals does give you one superpower: the room to find a new support network. Hundreds, if not thousands, of people out there will see your creative idea or new life goal as inspiring. Many will want to witness your journey. Some may want to help you succeed. As you explore these new relationships, you might find one or two people who truly relate to you as a person and become new friends as you enter this next stage of life.

Join Us to Build Resilience and Live Differently

Like what you’ve read? We're here to build support for the motivated and inspired to build and lead lives they can truly believe in. Inspired by adventure and driven through resiliency and growth, it’s time to have the Audacity to Live Differently.

Let’s Move the Journey Together.

Join us at movethejourney.com/subscribe and be a part of this amazing network as we both grow as a business and as a community!